Introductions

[obnoxion]

My strategy is simply to write what is going through my mind at this particular moment. Sometimes I realize afterwards that I'm wrong or I've expressed myself imprecisely and sometimes I like what I've written. However, I refuse to be ashamed of my missteps as they are a part of the occult work itself.

I think this is a good strategy. Some years ago I started to ignor most of my misspellings in effort to lower the bar for myself and others to take part in forum discussions.

[Kavi]

I think many might find it a bit hard to approach my posts while not knowing basic things about me as a person.
Secondly I think I have only introduced myself on Finnish forum so...

Hi, I have been member of SoA from latter half of 2016.
Originally raised in Christian household but I always had a fight with theodicy - the problem of evil. I couldn't accept it how it was thought and taught in Christian circles and I already held a pantheistic worldview even though lot of Christians see God as personal being.
Maybe it's because of my background that even today Lucifer-Christos gives me some kind of smile and conflicting emotion which I couldn't pinpoint. Is it because I find humor in it or something else and more?

I struggle to find often any meaningful way to exist but maybe I could at least exist in meaningful way to find.. a struggle... until the struggle is taken away... Many of us have some kind of designated specialization whether it's religion studies, form of physical and mental exercises, black metal or philosophy but for me finding a meaning in life has been very hard. It feels like life itself is a lie or some form of trickery. We can focus only certain goals in life until it all vanishes away. But I try to have at least some form of faith that the path I walk or exist leads to at least some form of meaning but I couldn't be certain about it. ( I think I have some kind of problem with Pride and Despair and although I feel great respect for fellow brethren's from their journey and their dharma - I feel tiny bit of envy for it too.)
I am not very active forum user these days but I try to participate in discussions as much as possible but sometimes just writing one post takes enormous amount of energy.

This went to form of exhibitionism but maybe it gave someone something to think about.

[Peregrina]

I struggle to find often any meaningful way to exist but maybe I could at least exist in meaningful way to find.. a struggle... until the struggle is taken away... Many of us have some kind of designated specialization whether it's religion studies, form of physical and mental exercises, black metal or philosophy but for me finding a meaning in life has been very hard. It feels like life itself is a lie or some form of trickery. We can focus only certain goals in life until it all vanishes away. But I try to have at least some form of faith that the path I walk or exist leads to at least some form of meaning but I couldn't be certain about it. ( I think I have some kind of problem with Pride and Despair and although I feel great respect for fellow brethren's from their journey and their dharma - I feel tiny bit of envy for it too.)
I am not very active forum user these days but I try to participate in discussions as much as possible but sometimes just writing one post takes enormous amount of energy.

I can relate with a lot of what you wrote about in your post. I have a lot in my life that I could be passionate about but the underlying sense of futility just takes the edge off the passions. Many times I regret posting here on the forum because afterwards it seems difficult to find time and energy to continue the conversation. But I believe that once things in my life settle once again I have more time to think about the themes discussed on this forum.

[Kavi]

I struggle to find often any meaningful way to exist but maybe I could at least exist in meaningful way to find.. a struggle... until the struggle is taken away... Many of us have some kind of designated specialization whether it's religion studies, form of physical and mental exercises, black metal or philosophy but for me finding a meaning in life has been very hard. It feels like life itself is a lie or some form of trickery. We can focus only certain goals in life until it all vanishes away. But I try to have at least some form of faith that the path I walk or exist leads to at least some form of meaning but I couldn't be certain about it. ( I think I have some kind of problem with Pride and Despair and although I feel great respect for fellow brethren's from their journey and their dharma - I feel tiny bit of envy for it too.)
I am not very active forum user these days but I try to participate in discussions as much as possible but sometimes just writing one post takes enormous amount of energy.

I can relate with a lot of what you wrote about in your post. I have a lot in my life that I could be passionate about but the underlying sense of futility just takes the edge off the passions. Many times I regret posting here on the forum because afterwards it seems difficult to find time and energy to continue the conversation. But I believe that once things in my life settle once again I have more time to think about the themes discussed on this forum.

I think Cup is very nice symbol for this what we talk about. It's good to know our energy levels and resources and use them within our capacity.
During last few years I have started to understand that some times there exists a tension or tense feeling even while writing a post and that it's very great practice of truthfulness - to try to approach things with more understandingly and honestly in relaxed state of mind. I mean when the regret or other impulses come.
I am not very familiar with meditation and these things and if it's not right and correct method but many times when anxiety exists and these outward or inward impulses seem to be present I have tried to approach them with compassion.

[Polyhymnia]

Maybe it's because of my background that even today Lucifer-Christos gives me some kind of smile and conflicting emotion which I couldn't pinpoint. Is it because I find humor in it or something else and more?

I struggle to find often any meaningful way to exist but maybe I could at least exist in meaningful way to find.. a struggle... until the struggle is taken away... Many of us have some kind of designated specialization whether it's religion studies, form of physical and mental exercises, black metal or philosophy but for me finding a meaning in life has been very hard. It feels like life itself is a lie or some form of trickery. We can focus only certain goals in life until it all vanishes away. But I try to have at least some form of faith that the path I walk or exist leads to at least some form of meaning but I couldn't be certain about it. ( I think I have some kind of problem with Pride and Despair and although I feel great respect for fellow brethren's from their journey and their dharma - I feel tiny bit of envy for it too.)
I am not very active forum user these days but I try to participate in discussions as much as possible but sometimes just writing one post takes enormous amount of energy.

This went to form of exhibitionism but maybe it gave someone something to think about.

Thank you for the insight, Kavi! I find it always adds extra depth to discussion when one shares about themselves on a more personal level. I can definitely empathize with some of those feelings, myself.

[Kavi]

Thank you for the insight, Kavi! I find it always adds extra depth to discussion when one shares about themselves on a more personal level. I can definitely empathize with some of those feelings, myself.

Great to hear! I thought this was a good deed as it helps to understand at least a little bit of what kind of person is writing behind a particular pseudonym.

[Medeia]

If memory serves me right, I firs applied to SoA 2013, second time 2014, got accepted 2015, resigned 2017 due to my personal issues - membership with my mental state then became way too heavy to keep up with and I had this psychotic overall feeling and sometimes when stoned even hallucinations (I certainly hope ) being astrally watched and judged by members of SoA, which with my habits and thoughts then wasn’t very comfortable. It has been recently dawned on me quite clear what was that all about. If accepting 7fold basis and aspiration within it, however poorly executed in practice, makes one “azazelist” (and I think it does) I’v been such since 2013, not just very good one all this time. Main reason for me being here in forum is that I would rather not. Quality of discussion here is very high, even so that for a long time I felt it alienating. My previous name before resignation was Jihad. Hello again.
PS: if someone knows how to photoshop I have a small request regarding colors of my avatar pic.

[Nefastos]

Welcome to forum, frater Medeia! Nice to have you here. And what a perky avatar!

hallucinations (I certainly hope ) being astrally watched and judged by members of SoA, which with my habits and thoughts then wasn’t very comfortable.

Such paranoid feelings are very common to unbalanced psychic sensitivity. They do not represent a fact. In case any a SoA member has any kind of astral perception ability, (a) it does not work in a way that one could monitor another human being from the outside, and (b) the use of such an ability of sensitivity necessarily and without exception must emulate the workings of the unseen masters, that is, to sense through compassion, not judgment. Whenever there is judging, there is also proof that there is a beam in the astral eye. (This does not mean that "everything goes." But judgment mixes extremely poorly & dangerously with astral visions.)

Quality of discussion here is very high

That is great to hear.

even so that for a long time I felt it alienating.

We just cannot win...

[Medeia]

Thank you, frater Nefastos. It's nice to finally be here.
On intellectual level it was clear to me how obviously against SoAs basic principles such practice would be, that level of knowing just wasn’t very much help in the situation.

[Astraya]

Welcome Medeia and congrats about the name. Loving the Greek mythology