Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Astral and paranormal experiences, dreams and visions.
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Benemal
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Benemal »

I've been having those same sleeping problems all through 2020. Feeling like I'm not really asleep and there's weird hollowness inside, like there's no sleep, to go to, then I wake up after four hours, and can't sleep anymore. I don't believe that a global dystopia is actually the cause of it, but I don't have an explanation. The visionary dreams of strange metropolises, and the dark forests, and water (like ancient ruins underwater and recent decaying technology above water, and the surface is the border, and I'm always looking for something, diving, or in a little boat) still happen, and some of those are so overwhelming, that I wake up out of breath. I suppose that'll never stop.
Runatyr mentioned a desire to drown himself in alcohol. That's what I did. It was so boring and depressing to be alone in my dark little cave at christmas, missing my niece, that I decided I'll have a hard binge. I really mean it was a decision, that's what's going to happen now. That's suicidal masochism, but then there's a catharsis and a kind of rebirth. Now it's going to be a while feeling pretty good again I guess. And right after I stopped, there were waves and waves of the opium dreams.

Slightly related; I was off-line for a month (been on-off-on cyclically and tomorrow, off again). Felt so good not knowing anything about what's happening outside, or abroad. Like exchanging from horizontal slush attack to spring flowers (or the shit-fan, to a vintage 70's ceiling fan). Just read Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea books, in peace and quiet (that's what I'm now returning to).
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Nefastos
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

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Benemal wrote: Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:31 amI don't believe that a global dystopia is actually the cause of it, but I don't have an explanation. The visionary dreams of strange metropolises, and the dark forests, and water (like ancient ruins underwater and recent decaying technology above water, and the surface is the border, and I'm always looking for something, diving, or in a little boat) still happen, and some of those are so overwhelming, that I wake up out of breath. I suppose that'll never stop.

Global dystopia might not be the cause, but I think that this astral heaviness – the "blood-soaked curtain of the world" – is behind such dystopic feelings, and also getting worse because of the negative events in the world. Like it is said in the alchemical writings, everything that is on land (physical existence) is also present at sea (astral world). These two are like the plus and minus poles of the same lower threefold world (whose third part is the lower mind of reason, so easily influenced by the Zeitgeist's often weird hypnotisms).

Benemal wrote: Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:31 amRunatyr mentioned a desire to drown himself in alcohol. That's what I did. It was so boring and depressing to be alone in my dark little cave at christmas, missing my niece, that I decided I'll have a hard binge. I really mean it was a decision, that's what's going to happen now. That's suicidal masochism, but then there's a catharsis and a kind of rebirth. Now it's going to be a while feeling pretty good again I guess.

I have much to say against alcohol, but it's still a sacred substance of sorts, and has its uses. I drink heavily approximately once per year, at the time when the nervous frustration has reached its apex, & I am about to kill myself from the sleepless stress & need. (This "heavily" has not in recent years been what the real drinkers would term as such: when talking with alcoholics, they usually say that they are not even very drunk, when actually on a verge of physical collapse, and one's reason & ability to notice nuances in conversation has been heavily damaged long before.) A few days ago I did this drinking cure of mine after a long pause, and it really did "kill the dragon" for one evening and a part of the following day. After that, coming back to that hell is in a way bit easier after the pause. But to use such a method any more than that would be a grave error, I think – and have seen from so many others, alcoholism being like a nature disease of us Finns.
Faust: "Lo contempla. / Ei muove in tortuosa spire / e s'avvicina lento alla nostra volta. / Oh! se non erro, / orme di foco imprime al suol!"
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Benemal
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

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Nefastos wrote: Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:11 am I have much to say against alcohol, but it's still a sacred substance of sorts, and has its uses. I drink heavily approximately once per year, at the time when the nervous frustration has reached its apex, & I am about to kill myself from the sleepless stress & need. (This "heavily" has not in recent years been what the real drinkers would term as such: when talking with alcoholics, they usually say that they are not even very drunk, when actually on a verge of physical collapse, and one's reason & ability to notice nuances in conversation has been heavily damaged long before.) A few days ago I did this drinking cure of mine after a long pause, and it really did "kill the dragon" for one evening and a part of the following day. After that, coming back to that hell is in a way bit easier after the pause. But to use such a method any more than that would be a grave error, I think – and have seen from so many others, alcoholism being like a nature disease of us Finns.
A few months ago we talked about the dragon. This stuff is very difficult for me to put to words. I think we are polar opposites. Seems I'm a happier person, than I previously thought. Despite problems, like binging and despair, I have weeks long periods of feeling so good, that it's almost like the happiness some people like Mormons etc. look like they're enjoying. Maybe it's because I was in hell and am now allowed to just be, most of the time. Maybe it was enough. The Man In White did say I had been unjustly overburdened. That's a little superstitious and I try to avoid thinking in terms of reward-sin.

Maybe you could really fuck yourself up, if you had a ten day long period of being drunk and stoned morning to evening. In general, I don't recommend it to anyone. Also, people who are that way, never listen to advice.

I've been thinking that say a three week , or a month long period of feeling good and not really needing or wanting anything, is the Dragon waking up, then stretching and yawning and farting, rubbing gold on his chest, having his morning coffee, which is the best part. Then after a while he's thinking "Well, I guess I should do something. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'll get out of the cave. What now? There's nothing out here, except the terror of existing! I have no reason to live! This is Hell! I'm going back to sleep."
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Beshiira
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Beshiira »

(I first posted this on the Meaningful Work Under Difficult Circumstances thread, and then thought that it actually fits better here. Hence the reference to the topic.)


Just a few days ago I wrote down a kind of a ”note to self”, saying ”No matter how this day has been, from this situation and these circumstances: sanctificetur virtutem tuum, adveniat regnum tuum.* Love to all creatures”. (*”Hallowed be thy virtue, let thy kingdom come.”)

Well, yes, quite often more easily said than done, and the consistency during changing times surely is a constant struggle to me. But I do try, and I have learned much from the tantric principle of trying to see everything as truly holy; everything expressing and pointing out certain aspects of the Divine. I wouldn't tell anyone in serious pain to ”try and see the Divine in your suffering, dude”, but for the challenges that I personally most often have (ones that are less ”directly excruciating”), the principle can be easily applied. I mean for example struggling with the mundane, the ever-present contradiction between spiritual life and the every-day life, the feeling of ”not getting anything done” etc.

I think it's fair to say that so far I've had it relatively easy when it comes to psychological and other hardships in ”outer” life. I've also seen that I tend to easily give up my spiritual work and just dwell in my misery when certain obstacles arise, and in my current state I am not super confident on how I could handle massive new challenges arising right now, for example.

But I guess a first step could be simply taking this tendency into consideration from the beginning; to already ”prepare” for hardships while building the right way to work, because for sure the hardships will come, in some form.

Then again – in any possible case, what is occultism (or any serious spiritual striving) if not ”meaningful work under difficult circumstances”, aren't the circumstances always ”difficult”? (I'm not trying to be a wise-ass here, and I know what is meant by the "difficult circumstances" in relation to life without particular hardships, but isn't it also an accurate notion to make that the life here is constant struggle even for the happiest of us...)

Anyway, in practice, to me it's kind of simple. If I manage to stick to my prayer routine – even if shortly or uninspiredly, but daily – I see the good effect it has on everything, instantly. I've thought that it's already good enough, if I manage to have at least one thing or one moment each day, that ”wakes me up” (or keeps awake, if you will) and helps me see the unifying light behind all matter.
"Ja kun minun kirkkauteni kulkee ohitse, asetan minä sinut kallion rotkoon ja peitän sinut kädelläni, kunnes olen kulkenut ohi.
Kun minä sitten siirrän pois käteni, näet sinä minun selkäpuoleni; mutta minun kasvojani ei voi kenkään katsoa."
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

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I suspect we are collectively going through phase which seems to resemble awful lot like what I have been going through now for recent months.
I was yesterday about to start topic or continue existing one about despair and life as an occultist. Although now we have this and Meaningful Work Under Difficult Circumstances thread I thought to put some feelings and share them.

Sometimes I have questioned even am I qualified to call myself as esoterist or occultist and if yes then how it manifests in my life. I have lost some kind of reflective state of mind or maybe I have it too much that I can't recognize it anymore.

I have focused on mundane and daily life more these days and I think it's very healthy to do so but I wish I had extra hours and extra motivation for much more. It feels like human life time is a mockery - how much one could achieve in relatively short time and how much of it goes to other deeds. We have our karmic resposibilities, as frater Nefastos wrote in above mentioned thread if I remember correctly.
Sometimes I feel like frater Benemal, I wake up, and drink coffee and after it what? During evening I wonder what have I done today and sometimes it feels like nothing. At worst this might lead into self-destructive thoughts, but here I come to the next point:
I suspect that there should be time to face the material conditions one is living in, one's own capacity to do something etc. It's not about giving up, in my opinion, but about truth and practicing it. After this one can try to solve issues and study the realms of one's limits and capacity in this truthful perspective.
At least this is how I feel like from time to time. Also getting older and older there is less energy for some things and maybe there will be more focused and economical state of mind in future. At least during early adolescence I felt I have unlimited energy, time, motivation to do everything. So much of possibilities but yet we have our own Work here to be done.
Some might form families or have other obligations which take more of our time.
Just a thought.
Men who are in love I asked about your face and ruby lips.
They pronounced them to be Khizr and living water – this is true.
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Mars »

Nefastos wrote: Sun Jan 03, 2021 11:34 am Yes. People tend to misunderstand this in the Right Hand Path (Christian, New Age...) circles. Too often this is taken in a way that one should willingly blind oneself from their problems, of from suffering of the world. But cultivating gratitude is not such. Like it is with two eyes we have, using both at the same time creates our understanding of depth, but we can still focus on the sight of either one if needed. The two eyes of the soul are critical intelligence and empathetic love. When there are many problems & the critical intelligence has already been used to the point it helps, we can and should focus to the other eye, whose emphasized vision brings about the much needed calm & warmth. The other eye is always there with it, even though we choose not to focus on it at the points when we have noticed that its use only worsens the situation.
I've never used prayers of gratitude since they always seem so dishonest and I feel like lying if saying a prayer of gratitude when there's nothing to be grateful about! But I do have a lot to be grateful about, of course, I'm just one to focus on my problems more than is healthy.
Nefastos wrote: Sun Jan 03, 2021 11:34 am But no: there is absolutely no one to carry us in their divine or human hands should we fall; the choice is ours and ours only, to stand to help the world around & inside us, or to fall prone, in childish whining that someone else should feel responsible for our fall. Gods, angels, masters, fates, friends, some distorted recollection of parents? There is no such to help us, for the prize of the aspirant must be his own when claimed, and thus the Work too must be his alone.
This sounds awfully "legalistic", in a way. You don't believe in the concept of grace? Not that I disagree, this is just something I've thought about quite a bit.
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

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Mars wrote: Sat Jan 16, 2021 11:18 amI've never used prayers of gratitude since they always seem so dishonest and I feel like lying if saying a prayer of gratitude when there's nothing to be grateful about!
I also haven't even thought about it, but I tried it the last week while going to sleep, and it did help. All I thought being grateful about was that I'm still alive to be able to correct my mistakes and to heal.
Mars wrote: Sat Jan 16, 2021 11:18 amBut I do have a lot to be grateful about, of course, I'm just one to focus on my problems more than is healthy.
I have this same problem and it can have extremely negative results. One thing that has come out of this kind of attitude is that I begin to see almost everything in negative light, be it my own life or the world around.
L’an mil neuf cens nonante neuf sept mois,
Du ciel viendra un grand Roy d’effrayeur,
Resusciter le grand Roy d’Angolmois,
Avan apres, Mars regner par bon heur.
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Nefastos
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Nefastos »

Mars wrote: Sat Jan 16, 2021 11:18 amYou don't believe in the concept of grace? Not that I disagree, this is just something I've thought about quite a bit.

The concept of grace is extremely hard to speak of, and I think it comes back to the idea of laya: something being both present (through the center that is nowhere and everywhere) and absent. I mentioned the buoyancy of life in another thread lately, and I believe in that, even though it is also horrible. (The substance of water that lets us float is also the one creating a terrible pressure when you are deep under it.) No hands will form out of air to hold us; I think there is enough evidence of that. Remember the accident that has been in the news in Finland these days? A teenager had been tormented by his fellow children his whole life, until the teasing finally got totally out of hand in a form of a spontaneous torture murder when he was sixteen years old. "God is not here with us now..."

Rúnatýr wrote: Sat Jan 16, 2021 11:55 amI have this same problem and it can have extremely negative results. One thing that has come out of this kind of attitude is that I begin to see almost everything in negative light, be it my own life or the world around.

Yeah, me too. That's where I know the importance of this particular practice, of forcing myself to see also the positive things. When I meet people who only criticize everything (and that is not very rare, at least in Finland) I always ask: "Then why don't you kill yourself?" In case one doesn't, he still believes in something good, and that too must be acknowledged & turned to power, which we need to survive as souls. I am glad to hear that the practice helped you!
Faust: "Lo contempla. / Ei muove in tortuosa spire / e s'avvicina lento alla nostra volta. / Oh! se non erro, / orme di foco imprime al suol!"
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Mars »

How's everyone doing, any progress? Inspired by the Evil Dead clip I'll let this video do the talking.
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Nefastos
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Re: Full Moon, Changing Moods and Lunacy

Post by Nefastos »

Sadly relatable. The long spiralling fall into extreme frustration has basically made me Captain Fairbanks.
Faust: "Lo contempla. / Ei muove in tortuosa spire / e s'avvicina lento alla nostra volta. / Oh! se non erro, / orme di foco imprime al suol!"
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