Activating Passive Forum Members

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Nahumatarah
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Re: Activating Passive Forum Members

Post by Nahumatarah »

Thanks again frater Nefastos for your kind and considerate words.
Benemal wrote: Mon Nov 08, 2021 8:47 pmI denied any of it had anything to do with the pandemic, but I was wrong, and I also underestimated the effect the external crisis on other members. Everyone was hit.
Until recently I was in denial about the effects of this pandemic on my life. I thought I was practically immune to it, due to not needing to socialize too much and preferring solitude or company of immediate family, over other social gatherings. I guess it takes some time to be able to see these things more clearly. There is some Satanic irony in all of this though since at the same time these years have been more meaningful to me than most of the past decade. Many things have materialized, some things were left out but nothing is lost.

Before this peste situation I was pushing the envelope way too hard. I was all over the place. Energies spread on too many things. For someone hyper like me that's a recipe for an eventual crash. Being forced to concentrate more singularly taught me valuable lessons about myself. Namely that I can do it. That I don't need to be constantly doing many things. I quit all social media years ago. I thought differently then but now I see it was depression. Not clinical depression, but exhaustion due to creating content on many platforms, art projects, work, all these things. It left me feeling malnourished in my soul. Like I was drained.
"The time has come to turn your heart into a temple of fire."

- Jalāl ad-Dīn Mohammad Rūmī
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Benemal
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Re: Activating Passive Forum Members

Post by Benemal »

Nahumatarah wrote: Tue Nov 09, 2021 8:57 pm I thought I was practically immune to it, due to not needing to socialize too much and preferring solitude
I enjoyed it plenty, for a while. Like a blanket pulled over society, everyone in hibernation, and total silence. I just relaxed, played post-apocalyptic videogames and watched a lot of films. I love empty streets, and that's why I go for walks at night. It was so surreal to be in empty streets, in daylight.
Nahumatarah wrote: Tue Nov 09, 2021 8:57 pm Before this peste situation I was pushing the envelope way too hard. I was all over the place. Energies spread on too many things. For someone hyper like me that's a recipe for an eventual crash. Being forced to concentrate more singularly taught me valuable lessons about myself. Namely that I can do it. That I don't need to be constantly doing many things. I quit all social media years ago. I thought differently then but now I see it was depression. Not clinical depression, but exhaustion due to creating content on many platforms, art projects, work, all these things. It left me feeling malnourished in my soul. Like I was drained.
I haven't solved that problem yet. Always so many ideas and necessities; gotta do that, there's this stack of books, forgot those ones, add to the pile, there's all the drawing to be done for SoA and for myself, got to clean up this place, cook some real food, don't just eat sandwiches. That's all at once and I'm walking back and forth in my apartment, trying to pick a task. Then I remember it doesn't have to all done today.
Clinical depression I can't get anymore. I think it's because something worse than that happened, and because I'm still alive and "sane", that which did not kill me, made me immune to clinical depression. So can't sink that deep, but non-melancholy non-creative common sort of depression I'm not immune to.
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Nahumatarah
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Location: Pohjola
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Re: Activating Passive Forum Members

Post by Nahumatarah »

Benemal wrote: Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:07 amI love empty streets, and that's why I go for walks at night. It was so surreal to be in empty streets, in daylight.
You and me both, brother. I love it especially during very early mornings. Right there at the threshold of sunrise and night when it's too early for work to most people. I love urban living but can't stand crowds. I'm like this in so many ways. A two-sided coin. Always spinning around by never falling to either side.

I never had any real bad mental health issues. Whatever problems I did have were always related to unhealthy lopsidedness. Schedule and routines help. I needed to learn this at an early age but there have been some slips now and then and also intentional attempts to let go and see if I was happier the other way around. I wasn't. Important part is to get back to it. If I was to play it by ear something like this happens:
Benemal wrote:gotta do that, there's this stack of books, forgot those ones, add to the pile, there's all the drawing to be done for SoA and for myself, got to clean up this place, cook some real food, don't just eat sandwiches.
Or then I shift into overdrive and focus too intensively on one thing and forget the others. I need to decide in advance what's the time frame for certain things and stick to it like my life depends on it. This way I can't overdo things, or start climbing up the walls. It's a cliche and embarrassing to say but in my case it's true what they say: small successes. I wake up early, instantly make my bed, and do my prayers. Success tasks in these carries on to the rest of the day. It carries towards accomplishing bigger things.

Creativity is like they say about fire "good servant but a bad master". I thought years back that I didn't want fame. That I was above it and was making art out of "higher reasons". I was wrong. I was so worried about not being able to leave my mark that I compulsively created even when I had no energy. My creativity had turned into a hydra, I was trying to cut its head(s) by doing this thing, this is my testament, once this is done the rest is just extra, the desire for creating would then die and I can start taking it easier but it always grew back like hydra heads. I was actually going nowhere, just lost in the endless battle with this monster I had helped create out of desire and insecurity.

When I started to really honestly shift my focus to the spiritual, it changed. Magic became my art and with that the intentions are more pure. There's no lust for fame because it's private. Although I speak about it somewhat openly I don't feel that I want or need to go into details about it. When I shifted focus to that my art projects became better too. I no longer cared so much about how they turned out. The results were purer and the process less consuming. Now I ride the hydra and it is no longer a feral dangerous monster but a tamed and well mannered house pet.

Activities on this forum are also scheduled. I try to come here around twice a day. Once to check messages then again to respond and or write something. I could overdo it, but It's not a good look when there's gazillion messages from the same user on every corner of the board. Also given my challenges in expressing myself in writing it would cause me to burn out eventually. During weekends and holidays I might be more active though probably on the less heavy topics like "what are you listening to at the moment".
"The time has come to turn your heart into a temple of fire."

- Jalāl ad-Dīn Mohammad Rūmī
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