Breaking The Pattern

Putting together ones life with the modern world.
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Benemal
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Breaking The Pattern

Post by Benemal »

How can a small mundane change trigger something in your mind, or open up some block, and help you see the answer to a question, that's been on your mind, for years? A few days ago I was sitting on my couch, playing a very familiar videogame, thinking why am I so bored? Why isn't here anything else I could be doing? Not related necessarily, to events out of my control (though I have been playing a little more recently). Then I decided I'll rearrange my flat, I've been thinking about it for months, I can't be so lazy, that I can't get it done. I do blame some of it on events out of my control, but this I at least I can control.
After it was done I wondered how can I feel so different? Was it simply doing something, or could the physical arrangement actually affect my mind so strongly? I started thinking about routine and patterns. I found out why I hate and fear routine, planning and patterns.
Growing up I hated doing things at a certain given time, like going to sleep in the evening, and waking up in the morning. I couldn't understand why food should be eaten at a certain time, or why adults would have coffee at a certain time. It makes me almost physically sick, when people start doing their "going to sleep soon" routines. When I could control these things, I enjoyed doing whatever, whenever, and that has never stopped in adult life. That's why I can't be a "productive member of society".
I don't know why I hated it so much as a child, but now I know why I've kept on hating it, as an adult. Because if I make plans, or have hopes, or invest a few years in a project, somehow it will be broken. You don't have the right to expect anything, but death. You'll get terminal cancer, if you think long-term. Life will shit on your pathetic plans, just because you thought you have the right to have your stupid naive dreams. How banal, how western, to realize this late, that this is all because of what happened to my family, when I was a child. And the arrogance to believe, for twenty years, that such garbage doesn't affect me, that I'm above it. I moved some furniture around, that's all.
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Benemal
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Benemal »

I forgot a few things. There's also a routine and a pattern, to every day being equally pointless and the same. No obligations, nothing to get up for, and also wanting nothing. Almost painless too. No depression and no sadness. Almost like being medicated (which I'm not). Safety, sort of. Just existing, out of sight. Being a witness, who will be forgotten. A little bit like Theo Faron, in Children Of Men, and useless, like Theo. Witnessing reality becoming always a bit more like that film. It's of course no coincidence, that the representation of hope in that film is named Kee. The Fishes have assassinated Julian, but that's another story, that I'm not getting into, on this forum.
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Nefastos
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Nefastos »

This reminds me of Zelazny's Chronicles of Amber, where people are demigods who can make anything they want, but "The Pattern" is what gives strength to their creations, and does not itself change (until it does).

My temperament is almost a complete reversal of yours, although the way we see and rationalize our weird absolute functionings are close to each other. I construct all my life according to a schema, a self-constructed pattern, without which I see everything being practically void. No, not void, but just so damn painful. I whip myself to construct paths to meanings artificially, since the universe itself does not care about meanings, or to say it better, humanity's interaction with meanings. If I do not take my coffee at 18:30 sharp, having or not having coffee stops having a positive impact on my life, since if I could drink coffee any time I want, I would only drink coffee, and very soon receive zero happiness from it. So, even though I despise the bourgeoise normality standards, for me it has been absolutely vital to create my own standards, to forge my habits adamantine, in order not to start killing, only hopefully starting with myself. Many of these I have created outwardly as similar as possibly to those well known societal standards of normality, in order to blend in & create as little karmic ripple as possible. I do not believe in any outward rebellion, and I cannot risk doing things that might necessitate me coming back here to pay of some trivial thing when I have finally got away. We are prisoners in much deeper layer of patterns, especially now when we have born as human beings – perhaps the most pathetic life form in the universe in our present stage of evolution, which makes us perverted animals on our path to distant godhood.

Many people tell about having the same dream when they come to the aura of the Star of Azazel: They are partaking a ritual done in the wilderness or a remote location, and there are robed brotherhood members present. They see me wearing a mask that has human features, but underneath there is something bizarre. I take this to be quite accurate astral vision about our "pattern": to engross in the ritual (= working a pattern that has magical meaning of change) that is only superficially human, as the word is nowadays used.
Faust: "Lo contempla. / Ei muove in tortuosa spire / e s'avvicina lento alla nostra volta. / Oh! se non erro, / orme di foco imprime al suol!"
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Soror O
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Soror O »

Like Benemal, I'm prone to experience aversion towards schedules, planning and patterns. I tend to think that having children "saved" me from sinking into mere chaos and being totally disorganized for the rest of my life. (Pathethic, aye?) But, as a child and as a young adult (during my university years) I was very well organized. But since that feature was partly a defensive coping mechanism, a set of compulsive patterns - it was bound to dissolve.

Also, my rejection of patterns has to do with another, defensive psychic construction:
Benemal wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 12:49 am Because if I make plans, or have hopes, or invest a few years in a project, somehow it will be broken. You don't have the right to expect anything, but death.
As a child I thought that I was going to die before my next birthday, so there was no point in being attached to anything. Being organised is a form of attachment. You invest your energy into something.

But like Nefastos' referred (?), we are bound to invest in something. We are doomed to form patterns - even if they are patterns of detachment and chaos (yes, patterns of chaos...) As I child I invested my energy to the belief that being attached is futile and dangerous (what an obvious illogicality).

Even now I have a strong sense of underlaying futility of human existence and meaning. But that sense is now penetrated by a deep and heavy sense of Meaning. I don't know, but the word and sensation of heavy seems to fit here. Meaning is heavy, it's crushing somehow. Like a somekind of medieval torture machine. Meaning is a white dove full of light, yet an irony weight pulling me down, down, down and crushing me into pieces. What a joke.

Back to the interior decor:
Benemal wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 12:49 am I moved some furniture around, that's all.
I believe that moving furniture is moving your stagnated energy (hahha) and managing the genius loci. The arrangement of furniture speakes to me, and I get kind of sick if the arrangement is not alligned with my sense of the space.
If you want to reborn, let yourself die.
Kenazis
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Kenazis »

My attitude is almost completely opposite. If I don't ”plan my days, weeks, moths...” I do much less things I want to do and see important, and also feel much worse. If I have free un-planned spots here and there, they are almost always also planned to serve the planned ”hours”.

I think that it's the human nature to aim for some meaningful goal. I also think that life has Meaning we should try to fulfill. Even while this can be debated and denied, it can't be denied that our well being as physical, emotional and mental creatures demands physical, emotional and mental activity. This physical-emotional-mental-activity can be seen as lower triangle-thing, and this Great Meaning as upper triangle-thing.

I love routines (wake up-2 cups of coffee + reading and writing – practicing music-stuff-lunch – practicing physical stuff...). Breaking the routines for me is only good when there's solid routines performed long, then even small difference can have a huge impact. If breaking the routines is constant thing, then for me it's unproductive chaos and lack of concentration and will. Even I like routines I really don't like those mundane vacuum, dish etc. Type of routines. Those I don't like at all, but I still do them weekly because the ”must be done” and after those the feeling is better. It feels that in long term the attitude of fuck it, I don't care etc. is better, but this creates problems in the long run. And to constantly force/ push yourself to do those small tasks and thing will in long run "pay off".
"We live for the woods and the moon and the night"
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Nefastos
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Nefastos »

Ave wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:12 amBut that sense is now penetrated by a deep and heavy sense of Meaning. I don't know, but the word and sensation of heavy seems to fit here. Meaning is heavy, it's crushing somehow.

In Sanskrit, "the heavy one" translates as guru (which also has the other, more often mentioned meaning of "remover or darkness"). I have always thought this be extremely fitting in many different ways, particularly in the way you just mentioned. Also, in the context of Einsteinian time-space, curved by mass.
Faust: "Lo contempla. / Ei muove in tortuosa spire / e s'avvicina lento alla nostra volta. / Oh! se non erro, / orme di foco imprime al suol!"
Angolmois

Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Angolmois »

Nefastos wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 9:28 am They see me wearing a mask that has human features, but underneath there is something bizarre. I take this to be quite accurate astral vision about our "pattern": to engross in the ritual (= working a pattern that has magical meaning of change) that is only superficially human, as the word is nowadays used.
Reminded me of a time when we were visiting your place in Lappeenranta with SoA brothers over a decade ago. Everyone was already almost asleep but I couldn't sleep yet, as you were hovering over the apartment and did your evening prayers. When you left the altar, I witnessed you turning into the pyramid head of Silent Hill for a moment. :-)

Another time was when were walking in the city and had talked about the horrible architecture around. We then walked without talking anything and I heard a voice in my head saying "all this will change"; then some very weird lovecraftian scenarios filled my head, and I was a little horrified of the visions. I never said anything about it to anyone, including you, but the memory is very alive today.

I used to have very strict regimen and structure in my life, and I couldn't help moving the furniture around in my apartment at least once a month. For years this changed almost completely, and I'm only returning to normality as we speak.
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Soror O
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Soror O »

Kenazis wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:32 am My attitude is almost completely opposite. If I don't ”plan my days, weeks, moths...” I do much less things I want to do and see important, and also feel much worse. If I have free un-planned spots here and there, they are almost always also planned to serve the planned ”hours”.

I think that it's the human nature to aim for some meaningful goal. I also think that life has Meaning we should try to fulfill. Even while this can be debated and denied, it can't be denied that our well being as physical, emotional and mental creatures demands physical, emotional and mental activity. This physical-emotional-mental-activity can be seen as lower triangle-thing, and this Great Meaning as upper triangle-thing.

I love routines (wake up-2 cups of coffee + reading and writing – practicing music-stuff-lunch – practicing physical stuff...). Breaking the routines for me is only good when there's solid routines performed long, then even small difference can have a huge impact. If breaking the routines is constant thing, then for me it's unproductive chaos and lack of concentration and will. Even I like routines I really don't like those mundane vacuum, dish etc. Type of routines. Those I don't like at all, but I still do them weekly because the ”must be done” and after those the feeling is better. It feels that in long term the attitude of fuck it, I don't care etc. is better, but this creates problems in the long run. And to constantly force/ push yourself to do those small tasks and thing will in long run "pay off".
I regard a flowing pattern as a kind of magic. Creating a flowing pattern is using one's hands - in order to activate the horisontal level of being (the antropomorphic cross comes to my mind). (By magic I mean that one takes something that seems to be without a substance in itself - and breathes life into it, making it meaningful and alive.)
Nefastos wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:37 am
Ave wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:12 amBut that sense is now penetrated by a deep and heavy sense of Meaning. I don't know, but the word and sensation of heavy seems to fit here. Meaning is heavy, it's crushing somehow.

In Sanskrit, "the heavy one" translates as guru (which also has the other, more often mentioned meaning of "remover or darkness"). I have always thought this be extremely fitting in many different ways, particularly in the way you just mentioned. Also, in the context of Einsteinian time-space, curved by mass.

I wasn't aware of this etymologic point, interesting. In human form the vertical axis of divine Being is rooted in the soil of gross matter. But in the same time the root grows into the thinnest of air.
If you want to reborn, let yourself die.
Kenazis
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Kenazis »

Kenazis wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:32 am It feels that in long term the attitude of fuck it,,,,
I think everybody can interpret that correctly, but to be sure, there's mistake and I mean of course short term and not long term.
"We live for the woods and the moon and the night"
Kavi
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Re: Breaking The Pattern

Post by Kavi »

Nefastos wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 9:28 am Many people tell about having the same dream when they come to the aura of the Star of Azazel: They are partaking a ritual done in the wilderness or a remote location, and there are robed brotherhood members present. They see me wearing a mask that has human features, but underneath there is something bizarre. I take this to be quite accurate astral vision about our "pattern": to engross in the ritual (= working a pattern that has magical meaning of change) that is only superficially human, as the word is nowadays used.
Funnily enough black robes have been present in my dream as well when I joined the brotherhood. But "wilderness" was the city of Vantaa and robed fratres were performing some kind of meeting at the children's playground. After that people got inside and I remember fridge was full of 24 pack of beer and long drink.

I can't see much of breaking the pattern in my life as my pattern is to be messy and unscheduled person, that is the pattern.
So in a way making daily life more ritualistic could be seen as making the pattern in my opinion. It makes me angry and I tend to exaggerate that scheduling is act of making life seem robotic.
I am not sure if it's useful to think about this in dichotomic way or even try to come close to the middle way. But I think fluctuating between patterns: making them, breaking them, can be seen as playful way of experiencing life.
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