"So then, the very laws of the planet are a lie and the vaudeville of devils. What is there to live for? Answer, if you are a man."
So, what's your answer, dear brothers (& our guests)? For regardless of what is our definition of that "vaudeville of devils" - laws of nature & chance, actually malevolent spirits under the influence of Gnostic archons, or something else - in a way that is truth that's not easily denied, if one is a Satanist & not a believer in pantheons of benevolent deities.
Sometimes, I justify the continuation of my existence with what I hope is a worthy work I give in exchange for the lives I must reap in order to sustain my body, not to mention the strain me being alive puts on the environment. I had to do some hard thinking at one point in my life and I came to the conclusion that as long as I create, I allow myself to exist. It sounds very severe and naive perhaps, but at that time I was very black & white. Still, I do not disagree with this idea and continue to believe in it.
Of course, I live on because I want to and choose to do so- I live on, because I am in love and constantly seek the continued realisation of it. I am in love with the feeling of suddenly understanding how a tree moves in the wind, and with the details on a insect's wing and how these forms correspond with other forms- someone's fingers, or a structure, or how I am able to see and understand the movement of the joints of a rotting roadkill as I slowly move its paw. I don't mean just looking at things and thinking that it's pretty, I mean really seeing
things- being awed and humbled by them, and feeling that I am a part of that great experience.
In short, I am in love with understanding by seeing, and with the ways I can record these things for myself- that is to say, eye to hand coordination, in which I process my experience and create a kind of language via my art and with that, sometimes gain more understanding. It's very difficult to describe this with words and I often find it wiser to not speak of it very much. People see, if they can and wish to, and if there is something worth seeing.
I live on because of my Work and the more time progresses, the surer I become that I must do this and that for me, this is the path that I am meant to take. There are of course great difficulties and anxiety because of this, that concern mundane matters but opposition and difficulties always in the end manage to strengthen my resolution even if at times they completely flatten me and I despair, it is only temporary. I am fortunate to have close friends with whom to speak when it gets too much to handle.